You're completely useless in the revolution.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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