I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i love accidental penises.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize