I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
