Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize