you would pick up someone in the library
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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