I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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