The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
