Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My vagina just recognized that song.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
