My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
