I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
