My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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