wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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