genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
