If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
