woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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