Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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