My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
