omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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