Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
