Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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