I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
