remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
