If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
