why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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