So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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