my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
