Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
