Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I touched a dick in church today
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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