My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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