FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
