Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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