she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm getting married
To pizza
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
