RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sundayâ€
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