I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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