i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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