I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
