The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
