I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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