I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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