She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
