Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
