They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
