You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
