I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
