I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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