it hurts more in the daytime
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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