i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize