At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
This is the high leading the old right now
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize