Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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