I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
