sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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