Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize