My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
