Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
