I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
