I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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